Nonverbal communication and culture. Identity, stereotypes and prejudices, страница 46

Conflict arises for many reasons, and it is misleading to think that all conflict can be understood within the interpersonal context alone. People often act in ways that cause conflict. However, it is important to let the context explain the behavior as much as possible. Otherwise, a person's behaviors may not make sense to you. Once you understand the contexts that frame the conflict, whether social, economic, historical, or political, you will be in a better position to understand and conceive of the possibilities for resolution.

Be Willing to Forgive. A final suggestion for facilitating conflict, particularly in long-term relationships is to consider forgiveness. This means letting go of - not forgetting - feelings of revenge (Lulofs, 1994). This may be particularly useful in intercultural conflict.

Teaching forgiveness between estranged individuals is as old as recorded history. It is present in every culture and is part of the human condition (Arendt, 1954). Forgiveness can be a healthy reaction. Psychologists point out that blaming others and feeling bitter resentment lead to a victim mentality. Lack of forgiveness may actually lead to stress, burnout, and physical problems (Lulofs, 1994).

There are several models of forgiveness. Most include an acknowledgment of hurt, anger, and healing. In a forgiveness loop, forgiveness is seen as socially constructed and based in communication. If someone is in a stressed relationship, he or she can create actions and behaviors that make forgiveness seem real; then he or she can communicate this to the other person, enabling the relationship to proceed and move forward.

Forgiveness may take a long time. It is important to distinguish between what is forgiveness and what is not, because false forgiveness can be self-righteous and obtrusive; it almost nurtures past transgression. As Roxane Lulofs describes, forgiveness is not

simply forgetting that something happened. It does not deny anger. It does not put us in a position of superiority. It is not a declaration of the end of all conflict, of ever risking again with the other person (or anybody else). It is not one way. . . . We do not forgive in order to be martyrs to the relationship. We forgive because it is better for us and better for the other person. We forgive because we want to act freely again, not react out of past pain. . . . [It] is the final stage of conflict and is the one thing that is most likely to prevent repetitive, destructive cycles of conflict. (Lulofs, 1994: 283-284, 289)

Mediation

Sometimes, two individuals or groups cannot work through conflict on their own. They may request an intermediary, or one may be assigned to intervene. In some societies, these third parties may be rather informal. In Western societies, though, they tend to be built into the legal and judicial system. For example, lawyers or counselors may act as mediators to settle community or family disputes.

Contemporary Western mediation models often ignore cultural variations in conflict processes. Fortunately, more scholars and mediators are looking at other cultural models that may work better in intercultural conflicts. Augsburger suggests that the culturally sensitive mediator is one that engages in conflict transformation (not conflict resolution or conflict management).

The conflict transformer assists disputants to think in new ways about the conflict — for example, to transform attitudes by changing and redirecting negative perceptions. This requires commitment from both parties to regard each other with goodwill and mutual respect. This is often much easier said than done. Behavior can be transformed by limiting all action to collaborative behavior; this can break the negative cycle but requires a commitment to seek a noncoercive process of negotiation [without force] even when there has been intense provocation. For example, in the Northern Ireland agreement, mediation resulted in commitment by most people to change the vision of Northern Ireland, in spite of horrible provocation on the part of some extremists.