Forget the fifty-fifty approach. Disagree without being disagreeable

HAPPY   MARRIAGE                                                                                 by Victor M. Parachin

Not long ago, 20 Chinese couples ‘tied the knot’ in a mass wedding at the Great Wall.  According to an official Chinese newspaper, the couples chose this site in hopes their marriages would be like the Great Wall - "able to withstand the winds and the rains." Lasting relationships need the strength symbolized by this wedding ceremony to weather life's ups and downs. Along with strength, what else is needed to make a happy marriage? Here are seven strategies experts recommend to ensure a loving relationship.

1. Forget the fifty-fifty approach. In the long run, healthy and happy couples are those who pitch in and do more than their fair share. Robert Liner, Ph.D., author of ‘Til Death Do We Part’observes: "If you give more than you expect, you'll get back just as much as you put in." Some couples erroneously believe that everything in a relationship must be shared equally, or fifty-fifty. The truth is that when two people marry and live together,  everything is subject tonegotiations . Who cleans the house? Who does laundry? Who makes certain the car is properly maintained and repaired? Who pays the bills? Who cooks? These are just some practical matters that need to be understood and agreed upon.

2.Remember the romance ofthe unromantic. One man, married for 25 years, advises: "Find something your partner detests doing and then do it for him. My wife can't stand to do laundry. Shortly after we were married, I told her that laundry was off limits to her. I've done all our family laundry for twenty-five years. It seemed to take a big burden off her shoulders, and I really don't mind doing it."

Something as unromantic as doing laundry can send a powerful message of love. Happy couples know that performing trivial but burdensome chores for their spouses are meaningful acts of love. So, consider picking up his clothes from the cleaner, filling her car with gas, helping fold the sheets. These are small but important ways husbands and wives can show how they feel about each other.

3.  Practice patience. Actor Robert Mitchum has been happily married for nearly 10 years. When asked what he thought made his marriage endure when those of so many of his Hollywood colleagues had failed, Mitchum replied "Mutual forbearance. We have each continued to believe that the other will do better tomorrow."

The ability to be patient is a sign of personal maturity. It is a vital life skill through which dreams can be transformed into reality. The exercise of patience is a strong defense against easy defeat. Couples who practice patience give their relationship the chance to grow with time. Much of what binds two people is found in their common history of living and loving together.

4.Disagree without being disagreeable. Every couple will have differences of opinion, taste, style, desire and preferences. In every successful marriage, partners learn how to manage such differences and fight fair.

Couples who disagree without being disagreeable clear the clutter and strengthen the relationship. When an argument begins to heat up, psychologist Lawrence Baiter, PhD., offers this advice: "Learn to stop a developing argument in its tracks. Plan a strategy with your spouse when you feel a discussion is about to escalate into an angry exchange. One of you might say, ‘This isn't the place for us to argue. Let's stop now and we'll discuss it later’. Keep in mind, though, that despite your sincere efforts, you probably won't always succeed in avoiding arguments.

5. Allow for healing. Every marriage must make room for the healing of hurts. If differences erupt into harsh,hurtful words, an apology and a time for reconciliation is crucial to the long-term health of the marriage. When an offending partner offers an apology, the other partner should respond graciously and generously.

Every couple should remember the words of musician Mstislav Rostropovich, ‘The greatest achievement in my life is that I can apologize to someone I have wronged. I can bow my head and ask for forgiveness. I think everyone should learn to do this; everyone should realize that far from humiliating, it elevates the soul.’

6. Censor the critic in you. The great deal of joy and delight is lost in marriage because the partners are too critical of each other. They view each other through hostile, rather than loving, eyes. In her book, Opening Our Hearts toMen, Susan Jeffers, Ph.D., recommends couples practice sidestepping negativity when they feel critical.

Dr. Jeffers describes how it works in her relationship. On one occasion, she and her husband, Mark, were driving through the countryside on a Sunday afternoon. She was upset about an earlier incident.  "Just as I was readv to pounce on him, I bit my lip and, while still experiencing the emotion of hostility, sidestepped my negativity and said,  'I'm glad we have this afternoon together. I love you.'

Even though Dr.Jeffers was not feeling loving at that time, her words transformed the atmosphere. Mark reached out, touched her hand and declared his love for her. "The hardness in my heart melted immediately," she recalls. "What happened was that I created the atmosphere for love to occur instead of a fight.’

7.  Appreciate yourself as others do. Some people grew up in homes where, as children, they were criticized and never given respect. As adults, those individuals continue to expect rejection; therefore they fear love and intimacy. Self-acceptance and self-worth form the basis for a healthy marriage.

Adele Scheele, Ph.D., author of Skills for Success, offers these tips for improving self-appreciation: "It's  worthwhile to reread old birthday cards or letters you've received from family and friends. Let them serve as reminders of how loved you are.’

Finally, couples whose relationship is like the Great Wall— strong, secure and steady - know how to express their love daily. In large and small ways, they demonstrate how much they value their partner. ‘Candy gets stale and flowers wither,’ says Leo Buscalia, Ph.D., psychologist and author. "Words and deeds that say 'You enrich my life' go on forever."